something so elusive

Dear Jacob,

i hope that it's ok that i respond this way, instead of in the comments below. there is so much to say in response to your question that a comment won't cut it - and actually, i could probably dialogue about this with you for the next several years. the way that i see life is in pictures - maybe sort of like a kaleidoscope, where when you turn the circle, an entirely new dimension is added, and there is ever more to speak of. because of this, anything i try to encapsulate in one entry, or in ten, will necessarily be only pieces of reality as i see them.

i would like to add one other preface: i want you to know that i don't believe that i have a corner on truth. i don't believe that i'm the only one who knows God or can speak about a relationship with him, and i don't believe that my approach to a relationship with God is the only way. my beliefs are necessarily affected by my life experience, my culture, my world-view and my upbringing. there is no way to separate that from what i believe about God. i write with the understanding that i don't know all of truth. i can only honestly say that i seek to find truth wherever it is, and when i find it, i seek to live it out in a way that is sincere and authentic.

the short answer to your question is that i do believe that people can have a relationship with God. and it's not because i heard someone (or a lot of someones) say that in church. i am not, as you say, parroting back phrases that i have heard others speak. i speak out of the experience of my own life. i will try to explain a little of what i mean in the following, but know that i know that this explanation will be grossly inadequate. there is no way to encapsulate a whole lifetime of experience and belief on one page.

i start with the belief that God is wholly other. what i mean by that is that he is a Being, separate from the world, the universe, people, yet with personality, life, energy. i believe that he is Creator (whether he did so thru evolution or a literal creation to me is not so big an issue), and that he is, as he names himself I AM. i believe that he is greater than i can imagine, the force behind the universe - infinite.

as such, God is not someone or something that i can manipulate, that i can control. he does not live inside my head, he does not live inside my beliefs. what i believe about him does not make him so. how i have interacted with him, what i know about him is necessarily incomplete, because he is infinite and i am finite.

so then, how do i get to know him? how do i have a relationship with this being? how do i even know that he is a being, and not just a story in a book?

this is where i have to draw on some analogies. how do i know my best friend? how do i know that she is there? how do i know who she is? first, even without seeing her nearby, i see evidence of her. i see that she left her book laying in my bedroom, i see that she made me dinner, took out the trash, or watered my plants while i was out of town. next, i observe her in action. i see her talking with other people, i hear the words that she says, i see her interact. much of what i know about her comes from what she says and how she interacts with others. next, i listen to her self-disclosure. i listen to the stories she tells about her childhood, i listen to the things that she loves and hates, what her hopes and dreams, her passions are. i get to know her character. and my relationship with her is based on all these things. i have a relationship with her because i see evidence of her, i watch her in action, i listen to her speak, and finally, because i interact with her - i share who i am with her, i share my passions, my dreams, myself.

and i see my relationship with God as somewhat similar. i see evidence of him everywhere. i see him in creation. when i stare in wonder at the night sky peppered with stars, i know that there is a being who created them. when i look at the beauty that is in the photographs on your blog, i know that there is a God who made them. and what do i learn about God from those things? i see that he is creative - beauty is something that he treasures. why do we have colors in the fall when trees are changing? the color change is not necessary. why do we not see in black and white? it's the same with the sunrise and the sunset. the beauty calls out to me to reach out to know the Being who created these things.

then, i observe him. this gets more difficult, because he is not physically present in my life. and sometimes, oh, how i wish that he was. but i do see him at work. i hear others talk about things that he has provided in their lives. i see him provide for me. he works through people, mostly. i don't understand why he chose that way to relate to the world. because people are inconsistent, unfaithful, and lots of us just don't pay attention a lot of the time. but sometimes, i have a need that no one knows about, but God does, and then it is met. and sometimes, to be honest, those needs are not met. and i don't know why. i understand that to believe that it is actually God working takes some faith to begin with. i'm sure that a logical person could rationalize most of it away. but there are some times when things happen that are unexplainable apart from belief in a living God.

next, i listen to God's self-disclosure. most of this occurs in the Bible. i understand that this is problematic for a lot of people, for many different reasons. i am willing to talk about all of these things in the future. for now, let's just leave it that i believe that the Bible is God disclosing to us much of what he wants us to know about who he is. this is not the only way that he speaks, but it is one way. so i try to listen to his story. i try to understand it as a whole - from beginning to end. what is the main point? what is the flow of what is communicated? who is this God who began with creation? why did he choose Abraham or David? what's going on? what is the meaning of the cross? and i try to understand who he is. and what i learn about his character i try to emulate in my life. i don't want more knowledge about God than what i can put into practice.

the other part of God's self-disclosure comes from the Spirit, i believe. the Spirit both illuminates Scripture and communes with the spirit of believers. i wish i could explain in rational terms what exactly that means. but here, i think, is where words fail. because how do you really explain this type of interaction? how do you really explain how you love your family, how you relate to them? how do you really define these relationships? there are times when i simply know that God is there. i know that he hears my cries. so many times i wish that i could feel his arms around me, hear an audible voice speaking to me, touch his hands, his side... but the fact that he is not physically present does not mean that he is not there, or that he is not real. i believe that he is real because i sense that his Spirit communes with my spirit.

and then i share with him who i am, my hopes and fears, my dreams and ambitions. and i try to become like him - to reflect his character as i have encountered it. i often do a very poor job at this. but as i become more like him, it is easier for me to identify where he is at work, or when he is speaking to me. so this is much of what i mean when i speak of a relationship with God.

i want you to know that i know that this way of relating to God, these reasons for believing in God are somewhat circular. my faith in God informs my belief in God, and my belief in God informs my faith in him. in some ways, i have started with a base of faith, and gone from there. but i also know that there is no belief-system in the universe that is not in some way circular like this. science tells us to depend on observable fact, and we depend on observable fact to determine what science is. there has to be some ultimate something that can only be measured by itself, because logic requires that. at some point there has to be a beginning, at some point there has to be a foundation. this foundation makes more sense to me than any other that i have encountered.

i also want you to know that i understand your pain in relating to God, or lacking that "relationship." i read your journal as posted online, and related to much of what you said. you are not alone - not at all. many of the saints have experienced such hardships. one that comes to mind is St. Teresa of Avila, who wrote "the dark night of the soul." i wish i could say that i understand how God relates to people, or that i was able to predict how he would relate. but i can't, because he is wholly other. in the Old Testament, Abraham went 40-50-60 years after he was told that he would have a son before God came to him again. Enoch walked with God to the point that he didn't even die but was taken off the earth. why did God choose to interact with each of them in these ways? i can't answer that question - i don't know. there have been many times in life when i have cried out to God, and i have not heard him, i have not sensed his presence, i have felt alone. there are many times when my needs have not been met. why is this? i don't know. i can't explain it. God is a being who does not live inside my reality. i wish that he did so that i could wrap my arms around him, so that i could wrap my mind around him. but he is too big... too infinite to be captured in this way.

but i do believe that God wants to be known. he has left his evidence in our world, everywhere we turn. he gave us the story of the Bible, to show us who he is and what his passions are. his character as expressed in creation and in Scripture communicate to me that he desires to be known by humanity.

i can also tell you that i have seen a lot of hypocrisy in the church. i know as well as you do that there are so many people in the church who are just saying their lines, speaking the words, living like they're "supposed to" without having a genuine relationship with God, and without really putting into practice the things that his character would demonstrate. but i also have a handful of friends around me who have just as sincerely experienced a true and living God, and who sincerely seek to follow him. what i see in those friends that i don't see in others is that belief that starts with God as a Being who cannot be manipulated or controlled. it's a belief that starts with God, and seeks to find him as he has disclosed himself, rather than to find him in a way that is comfortable to them or that fits into some kind of theological box that someone else created for them.

i hope that this gives you a small glimpse of what i mean when i talk about relationship with God. i would love to continue the dialogue as you desire, whether in public in the comments or in private on email. it is a difficult question to answer in a satisfactory way, because there is something so elusive about faith. again, please understand that i know the limitations of my own descriptions. this has been my experience. but know that it is real - i am not pretending or playing games. this belief in God and my relationship with him is the foundation of all that i do.