Sunday, October 16, 2005

big law here i come?

as i looked out the window at the clouds passing beneath me, i couldn't help but ask myself, "what am i doing?"

on my way to Big City to interview with Big Law Firm, i can't help but wonder if i'm really cut out for this. it's not the law or the practice of law that i question. i know that i'm studying the right thing. i've never been happier, truly.

it's the culture. i don't know if i can learn it. i feel totally inadequate. from carrying the right baggage, checking into hotels, tipping the valet parking guys, and using the right silverware... the world of the wealthy is a world that i have rarely entered.

though my parents are both educated - very educated, we still have the blue-collar values of hard work, do-it-yourself, and do it cheap. add to that my cross-cultural experience and now you have a very odd mixture indeed. it's already cross-cultural for me to live in the American culture... but this is taking it to an entirely new level.

i go into these interviews and communicate an unassuming and unapologetic confidence, hard work and passion. i'm pretty comfortable being independent, a maverick of sorts, perhaps. but sometimes i think that i choose that persona becuase it's easier to be myself with all my quirks than to try to figure out exactly how to fit in wherever i happen to be at that time.

but the problem with learning this culture is probably even deeper than that - it has to do with values. my values distinguish me... they're totally different. first - i don't care about making money. i don't care if i'm financially secure. i will always be looking for a deal, and looking to spend as little as possible, and give a lot away. i'm not motivated by "success." my motivation comes from inside - from wanting to do well because i believe it says something about me, and just because i'm a bit of a perfectionist. furthermore, my goals in life really are spiritual. all i want is to make an impact in the kingdom by being who God made me to be. i want to be part of God's work in the world - whatever that may look like. i have some pretty general ideas about where i might end up, and what it might look like. but i've been walking with God for too long to think that i can know everything right now, or to be willing to make hard and fast plans without being willing to listen to new things that God might be leading me to do.

it's not that i think these things are incompatible with law - or even with Big Firm life. not at all. it's just that i think i'll always be something of an anomoly. and i find it difficult to articulate my motivations and passions in a way that will make sense to someone who doesn't walk with God.

so - there you go. it will be very interesting to see where i end up. and i am learning. it's just a process.

1 comment:

kaleidoscope said...

I'm really glad that you're reading & that you're enjoying & relating to it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in my community who thinks the way I do. Thanks for commenting