my mom just instant messaged me

why does loving people have to be so hard? i know that it's not always, and that there are good times. But for me right now the thought of loving is juxtapozed with loss. because at the end of every relationship is loss. and there is an end to every relationship, even if it's death that separates.

i've done a lot of leaving in my life - moving around, saying goodbye. and i've had a lot of people leave me.

and all the while i have longed for permanency - longed to be somewhere forever, with someone forever. but i know that even if i had that, it would still not be enough - because man is but a breath, and then he dies. separation is inevitable. pain is inevitable.

and so i wonder, is it worth it to love? and i have to answer, YES! life without love is empty, unbearable, lonely, separated, disconnected, pointless. but gosh, it hurts.

i know some people that are really happy... all the time, they see only the good in everything. and i really wish that i could do that. don't get me wrong - i look for the good in everything... but i also see the bad. and i'm too honest to pretend that i don't. i've seen too much life...i've seen too much pain to pretend that it doesn't exist.

and so, i cry out to God, to meet me in this place. and i want him to show up. and sometimes i sense his presence, and sometimes that is enough. but sometimes it is not... because looking to God in these situations requires faith to believe that he's there. and sometimes i feel like Thomas in the Bible - wanting just to touch his hands, and feel his side, to know that he is real, and that he is here. if only he were here and could hold me - and never let me go.

and even as i write, he does answer. he does hear me. my mom just instant messaged me.