Sunday, August 14, 2005

impromptu thoughts

Well, what can I say? While studying for exams I was thinking of all these things I couldn't wait to write about. But sitting here, after finishing my 5th exam in 4 days, my thoughts are pretty scattered, and I feel more like writing about feelings, or whatever comes to my mind, than about any one topic in particular.

I'm now officially 1/3 of the way thru my law school career. It's unbelievable how fast the 15 week semesters go. Only 60 more credits and I'm on my way to the bar exam, and then to practice. It will be over before I know it, and then I'll be doing something completely new & different - and I have no idea what that will be. I could end up almost anywhere, I think.

I didn't expect to go to law school, to become an attorney. I grew up thinking I'd want to be a teacher. Then I studied psychology in college - probably more to figure myself out than anything else. I tried social work for a while, but it didn't really fit what I wanted to do. And I could never get away from the desire to really impact peoples' lives - to live in such a way that they would see the reality of God's love & presence in me. But growing up in a ministry family, I had definite qualms about that as well, knowing how messed up the institutionalized church sometimes is - how wacked out are their goals at times, and how hurt people who work in the church often are. Sure enough, I ended up in ministry (I avoided it as long as I could, but eventually gave in). And sure enough, it turned out very badly. Mostly it was miscommunication between the generations... but it was painful all the same. And I left, still wanting to impact people, but wanting the freedom to do it in unconventional ways.

And then I really entered a period of the unknown. I really didn't know what to do with my life. I got a normal job, like people do, and was quickly bored. I have a personality that has to have meaning in life, or I want to die. I can't stand getting up every day and doing something that doesn't matter. But I didn't know what to do.

And then a friend found a law school nearby that had good scholarships. So almost on a whim, I took the LSAT. Actually, when I left inner-city ministry, I left still wanting to make an impact, but knowing that I would do it by opening up some sort of intensive residence/school for kids or by trying to change the systems that keep our at-risk youth oppressed. So law school sort of fits that second part... it just wasn't anything I had considered before - ever.

And now I'm in law school. And the funny thing is that for the first time in my life, I'm not looking ahead to the next thing - trying to figure out where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do. Always before there was something restless about me, knowing that there was something else out there, just over the horizon that I just had to walk toward. And it's not like right now I don't feel that I have a future, because I do. It's just that I know I'm in the right place right now. I KNOW it. And I am content. And I love school (I'm a total nerd). I love to learn. And I'm excited that at the end of all this, I get to use what I've learned to actually help people, or to change things that need to be changed.

Yes, I'm still idealistic. I'm growing older - idealism usually is lost somewhere along the way. But I have not been able to give up the thought, the hope, that my life will be worth something... that I will be able to change something, or to make something better... that I will be able to contribute something. The truth is, I'm not willing to live in a world where I simply accept the way things are & don't try to change them or make them better.

And so... here I am. I'm content. Actually, I'm happy. I'm walking down a path, and I don't see where it's leading. But it doesn't really matter, because I'm enjoying the process.

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