i had a really great camping trip - lots of time for solitude... to think, pray and reflect on things. part of what i was doing was just processing the pain of losing my family again (they've moved away - a long, long way away). realizing that i am really on my own again - no one really looking out for me, no one waiting around to watch me succeed (cheering on the sidelines), no one who i know would drop everything in a heartbeat to be there for me.
the beginning of the trip was difficult, as i fought with my emotions. i have long been good at handling emotional pain, but tended to do so by cutting people out & surviving on my own. i was very good at it, and that response allowed me to survive some very difficult emotional times. but i was unhappy with the results because i didn't know people, and they didn't really know me - i ended up really only having surface relationships & not knowing how to get deeper.
a few years back, God really challenged that & thru several relationships, taught me how to love - to reach out & connect to people & give to them without expectation of return, and even knowing that the relationships may not be permanent. and that was good. more than good, actually - it was an amazing & miraculous work of God to bring healing to my life.
but i see now that it was incomplete. because i learned to love, and to give to others, and to let people in to a certain point. but that's not all there is to relationships. i do not really know how to allow others to love & care for me. my parents are really the only people i'm comfortable receiving from.
and so, as i struggled during the first part of my trip, that is what i was struggling with - how do i choose to allow other people to care for me? how do i choose to allow myself to need others, knowing that needing other people inevitably leads to hurt & disappointment? truth is, at an emotional level, i would rather not, at least in the short run. but logically i know that that's what i need, and in the long run, those are the types of relationships that i really want - mutual ones. i desperately need to learn to allow others to care for me.
and i'm in a great position for that right now, because i feel as though i'm basically at the end of my ability to give - i'm totally depleted. i'm hurting, and school is very taxing, and i have a lot on my plate - a lot to deal with. my normal response to people is to give 200% all the time, to give until i can't give anymore. and i do, too. but right now i feel like i don't have anything to give. so i'm in a position where i am forced to receive from others in order to have continued relationships, and that's really good. i'm praying that God will use this place that i'm at to bring further healing to my life & relationships.
the thing i long for the most right now is to be back when i was a child, and my dad would walk with me and hold my hand. his hands were so huge, and strong, and warm & soft. when he held my hand, i knew i was safe. i didn't always know the way - where i was going, but i did know that wherever i went, he would be walking beside me, and i would be safe. the idea of being enveloped in the protection of my father - i just wish i could go back.
so many years, i survived on my own - telling myself that i didn't need anyone to take care of me - i could do everything by myself, and as such, could do it without running the risk of being hurt by future separation. i'm praying that God will send people to fill in the gaps - to be his strong hands in my life - supporting, upholding, encouraging, protecting. i'm also praying that God will help me to know when to ask for help, when to seek out community, and when to be vulnerable with those around me.
it's a difficult place to be, yet a good one. because in the end i trust that God is good. i know that he is my father. i know that he is there. and i'm hoping & praying that the people that he would lead to be a part of this healing process would listen to his voice. i need them.
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