Friday, July 08, 2005

turning the kaleidoscope

I’m one of those people who has a million different personalities. Put me in a situation, any situation, and as long as I have a role that I can define, I can be whatever I need to be. I got really good at it being a kid whose parents are in ministry. Everywhere you go, people have expectations of you – to be a certain way, to do certain things, to say certain things – and I’m a master at it.

But as I grew up, I began to be dissatisfied with it. What I discovered was that no one really knew me – the real me. And after a while it wasn’t enough for me that people were comfortable with me, or that I did something for them so they liked to have me around – I wanted to be known.

But by that time, I was trapped. I was trapped by other peoples’ expectations, and my own. The process of breaking down those boxes that I was living inside has been a long and hard one.

A few years ago, I finally had to let go of the boxes that others put me in. It was just too constraining. I couldn’t do it anymore, my spirit could not take the constraints of another person’s expectations anymore. But the difficulty of that was nothing to the pain of giving up my own expectations of myself. And I think that I’m finally ready to take the next step.

I’m very much like my dad. He’s intelligent – brilliant, actually, strong, opinionated… he knows where he’s going, and he knows how he wants to get there. He’s not really proud – he’s actually very humble. And he has a very sincere and compassionate heart. I grew up a very sensitive child. So though I always knew my Father’s heart, and was rarely hurt by how he interacted with me, I always worried that other people would be hurt by his sometimes gruff exterior. As a result, I never wanted to be that way.

You see, I love people – really deeply. My greatest desire is to be a part of people finding hope & healing in Jesus Christ. And so I never wanted to be the kind of person that runs over people. So I became extra-sensitive.

As a result, as I was forming friendships & relationships in all of life, my true personality was hindered, held back by my fear of hurting people. I always did my best to pay attention to where people were at, what they needed, and then tried to figure out if I could give that to them. So I communicate to people that I’m people oriented, phlegmatic, and very laid back. And that’s true, but it’s only a very small part of who I am. I survived this by compartmentalizing my life – having people-time, and then the rest of my time. My roommates have always known how multi-faceted I am, but very few other people were around me in enough situations to see who I really am.

But finally, I am ready to set my choleric self free. You see, I’m a driver – I have things I want to do, things I want to accomplish. And I’m opinionated about how to get them done. And I don’t want to do small things (though it’s fine with me if that’s all I ever do) – I want to do big things. I want to rock the world. I want to be a mover & shaker in the kingdom of God.

And yet, I have this tiny bit of hesitation… I’m still afraid to hurt people – to run over them to get where I’m going. I don’t want to do that, because above the tasks & the projects, I really do value people more.

So that’s my challenge. I am going to set myself free to be a choleric – to make things happen. But I hope to have that tempered by my passion for people. And just maybe, maybe I’ll turn out to be a leader.

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