anomalies

one of the areas that i am entirely counter-cultural is in relationships. i do not participate in the games people play in order to form relationships, particularly those between men and women. i always attribute that to the fact that i lived overseas when i was a teenager - in the prime time of learning how to form & keep relationships. being overseas & in another culture caused me to question deeply american cultural values. i did this on many levels and in many areas, but one of the biggest is relationships.

so i watched a lot of people in my teen years. i watched a lot of people relate. and i watched the games people play - the half-communications, the pretending to be someone you think the other person wants you to be, the effort to present only the good in you - and i wondered why. it didn't make any sense to me. furthermore, i'm so darn analytical that putting me in a position where i don't know what the other party is thinking is like torture. i think and re-think things until i'm ready to explode...

so i made the choice to not play those games. i decided to be real, sincere, direct. and it has paid off in a lot of ways. the friends that i have are close friends, who really know me, and who love me for who i am. i am blessed, and so thankful for these relationships.

but it has lately put me in the position of always being the pursuer. i am always the one to pursue relationships. because i am either direct about being interested in a relationship or i'm pretty aloof and busy with my own stuff. actually, i've learned a lot about God, and how he loves us, by walking in his footsteps and pursuing others with complete abandon. i wouldn't trade the experiences i've had, because they've made me a better person, and more able to love.

but i realize now that i don't really know how to communicate that i'm interested in a relationship without being direct and without being the pursuer. i simply don't know how.

but i long to be pursued, just like everyone else. i want to know that i am loved and valued and appreciated. i want to be worth the pursuit.

i know that my ability to communicate interest here is key - people are rarely willing to take such a great risk as to blindly communicate interest. and most people are not quite so all-or-nothing as i am either - they like to work up to interest and relationship. so i guess i'm finding that living counter-culturally has some disadvantages. if i want to be able to make more friends, date like a normal american, or marry, i'm probably going to have to start thinking outside my own box a little bit and make some concessions to the greater culture.

now i just have to figure out how...