grandpa at the gas pump

so here's a fun story. i'm on my way somewhere yesterday, and i see gas is up to 2.25 again. so i drive by another corner & the gas is still at 2.08. so i decide to stop and get some. busy parking lot, busy time of day. there are lines to the pumps.

so i get out, pump gas. meanwhile, one man tries to squeeze through a tiny space between the rows of cars pumping gas (and right beside me) to get to the other side, but a gigantic truck backs into his place. so this guy backs up & waits behind me. i notice this is an old guy. he cracks some comment to the trucker standing nearby who is filling up the underground tanks.

all is well.

i finish pumping and grab my receipt & get in the car. so then i sit down to record my gas purchase, mileage, etc. in my little maintenance book (yes, i really do that... it's an old car). so anyway, i'm 5 seconds into my writing, and i hear a shout from behind me. "hey! i want that spot." not sure what's going on, so i mind my own business & continue writing. then i hear, "hey! lady! i want that spot!" so i turn around. sure enough, the old guy in the car behind me is actually yelling out the window.

now you've got to understand... the rows between the pumps were difficult to get through--a really tight squeeze. so i'm thinking that i'll just wait a second until it's actually safe to proceed--besides which i'm recording my stinking mileage. so i just sort of give the guy an incredulous look and finish the writing.

so the guy gets out of his car. mutters something, yells something else, "hurry up!" and of course i'm thinking... gosh, i should be checking my oil, immediately wondering how i can draw this stop at the gas pump out as long as possible (remember, old car). but lest i give the man a heart attack, i safely proceed forward because by now the truck in front of me has left.

and all is right with the world once more.

so this day goes down in my little life history as the day i almost got beat up by grandpa. it's sad, really, that a 30 second wait at the gas pump is going to cause a person palpitations. i really hope that my life is always more meaningful than that.

tribute

i don't know if you knew then what you would mean to me. i don't even know if i knew. 3 1/2 years--it could be just a moment, or it could be a lifetime.

you were the witnesses to a part of my life that has turned out to be one of the most important parts in terms of my identity. thank you for inviting me in to your community. thank you for loving me as a sister and taking care of me while i was here. thank you for being such a fundamental and important part of my life.

i enjoyed catching up with you all last night. Kum Yew, Stephen, Stanley, Alvena, Iris, & Dennis... thanks to you & the YFers of old. Please keep in touch--i don't want to lose you all again.

broken hearts and broken minds

he's one step away from suicide.
he's very nearly lost his mind.
he's asked me to come 1000 miles to take care of him. he cannot go through life alone--he won't make it. i am one of 2 authentic christians he knows. what i do is inextricably linked to the way he views God.

i will surely fail him.

and my heart is broken.

i have watched him go from one of the most brilliant and compassionate men i have ever known to a person whose mind is very clearly broken. i fear it will never be restored. and my heart breaks for what he could have been.

i see him now, reaching out to me, because i have shown him unconditional love. and when i do not show up to help him, i will be one more christian who has failed him--one more person who was supposed to care, but didn't care enough.

and i don't--i don't care enough. i don't care enough to sacrifice everything to help one broken person.

but it's not that i'm not willing. because i am. it's just--i would have to sense God calling me to do so, because i have such a sense of calling for the place i am in right now.

i wonder though, why God would not provide some person--me or someone else--to incarnate the love of Christ in his life? why wouldn't God ask me to go? why does this man have to suffer, and perhaps die, alone?

i just wish that there was a community of people who could rescue this man. even if i was able to be there for him, i would never be enough. one person cannot fix a broken person. i'm not even sure that a community can fix someone. but i do believe that a community can bring a measure of spiritual and emotional healing. but it's got to be a community.

why isn't the church that kind of community?